Should our partners weigh in on our bodies?

Why I'm anti body commentary in my marriage

Singer-songwriter Bebe Rexha made headlines this week after she shared screenshots of a text message from her boyfriend on Instagram. While she didn’t offer any commentary or details alongside the screenshot, part of the message read:  

“Hey. I never said you weren’t beautiful and I never said I didn’t love you. In fact I said how beautiful you are and how much I loved you. But I always said I would be honest with you and your face was changing so I told you it was…that was the conversation we were having and you asked. Because I care, would you rather I lied to you? You gained 35 pounds obviously you gained weight and your face changes? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen and that it’s ok? Come on I gain 3 pounds and you call me chubbs and fat. Doesn’t mean you don’t love me.”

The Internet had mixed reactions. 

Some blasted Bebe for posting the private exchange, while others called her boyfriend fat phobic, especially since Bebe has been public about her recent PCOS diagnosis and subsequent weight gain. Many debated the double standard of Bebe being allowed to call her boyfriend “chubbs” versus him commenting on her changing body. 

Honesty and open communication are pillars of a healthy relationship, but should we ever be commenting on our partners’ bodies? While discussing this story on Wednesday’s episode of the pop culture podcast, The Toast, co-host Claudia Oshry shared that she and her husband, Ben Soffer, have a very open dialogue when it comes to weight. 

“In a relationship, either you talk about it or you don’t,” Claudia said on-air. “I come from a relationship where we talk very openly about it. I will ask, ‘Do I look fat or do I look like I gained weight? What do you think about my stomach?’ (...) It feels like a safe space to do that. I don’t feel like I’m ever being judged and I don’t feel like I’m ever being judge-y. We talk about it matter of factly.” 

Pregnancy notwithstanding (because my body is changing faster than the speed of light), I don’t often find myself talking about my weight in my marriage. This is partly because I’ve done a lot of body image work since getting sober, and also because I don’t need someone else to tell me if I’ve put on weight (the way my clothes fit and how I feel is enough of an indicator). If I’m fishing for a compliment (no shame, we all do it), I’ll ask Adam something like, “Do you like this dress?” instead of centering my body in the question.  

It wasn’t always like this. Years ago, I relied on a boyfriend for constant validation. I craved his approval on everything from how my body looked to the way I did my hair. He was more than happy to oblige, and body commentary became the norm in our relationship. Despite my history of disordered eating I told myself I was fine with our dynamic, happy to tag along on long runs and replace salad dressings with oil and vinegar at his suggestion, because we were in love. I’m still not sure whether he genuinely believed he was being helpful or simply liked being in control.  

If you’ve read my memoir, Drinking Games, you know where this story is going. One night when we were both drunk, my ex turned to me and blurted out that I was ten pounds overweight and said he wanted to help me lose weight because he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore. Unlike past comments about my outfits or the shape of my eyebrows (yes, really), this one felt intentionally cruel. I was crushed and, in that moment, I reached my breaking point with his critiques; we broke up on the spot.

In reading the text message that Bebe posted this week, I was reminded of the dynamic I had with my ex. That was the conversation we were having and you asked, Bebe’s boyfriend wrote. We don’t know what his exact comments were but it stands to reason that they were something along the lines of: yes, your body has changed. And it would appear that, for Bebe, – regardless of what she asked to precipitate his comments – they stung. 

I respect the couples who can be completely open with each other about weight gain. In theory, it’s a sign of trust and mutual respect. But I’m not sure it’s necessary, and I think it can be a slippery slope. Throughout my pregnancy, Adam has consistently told me that I look exactly the same, other than my growing belly. I objectively do not look the same, but his words feel great. If he’s lying, I don’t want to know! He trusts me to manage my own well-being and doesn’t need to weigh in on my size. 

If a partner is completely neglecting self-care and seems to be struggling mentally or emotionally, a gentle and loving comment can be appropriate. Suggesting taking a walk together, for example, or cooking a healthy dinner. But simply calling out a partner’s size doesn’t feel particularly productive or kind. Weight gain can also be a symptom of so many things: recovery, joy, growth. In my case, my changing body in college was a sign of food freedom. I entered into my relationship starving myself and terrified of carbs. Slowly, with the help of a therapist, I began to recover. As my life expanded, so did my body. I didn’t need help losing weight; I needed support in my journey to self-love.

Years after our breakup, that ex sent me an email explaining that he thought his words might have been taken as a gentle form of encouragement; like an old married couple invested in self-improvement. The problem is, losing weight doesn’t always correlate with being better. And even though my ex may not have liked it, my changing body was never his to weigh in on in the first place. 

Do you talk about weight with your partner? Let me know your thoughts!

Xx

Sarah