Relate so much to this Sarah. I am 41, married with no kids, and really struggled to find adult friends in my mid thirties. I felt like I had outgrown high school friends, but also was losing common ground with my college friends who all were more traditional with settling into suburbs w/ kids and activities.
Anyways, while the details are different the feelings were the same. It was like I just could not find my people. I went on an embarrassing number of friend dates and went out of my way to put myself into new situations without much success. My husband even gently suggested I was perhaps being too picky? but I could not agree! I am someone who loves sincere deep personal friendship and I just couldnt settle for less.
Fast forward 6 years and I'm finally feeling more at home. It was slow and tedious. A lot of my new friends live out of state and I met through work and travel, but I FINALLY feel like I found people that get me as the adult I am today. It was worth all the work and hassle. I have found I am willing to maek much more effort when the connection is sincere. For me, I have found I need to be the friend that makes more of an effort, but its worth the reward of the connection - realize that may feel insane as a new mom! and absolutely it likely is!
Thinking of you during this transition. Trust in your worth. You will find your people
Thank you for sharing this, Sharon! Friend dates can feel so vulnerable and I share your desire for deep, personal friendships and being unwilling to settle. I wonder if I need to manage my expectations a bit more and remember that not every friendship has to be equally deep. There are different seasons for different relationships, and friends can fill different needs. I appreciate your wisdom on this topic!
Sarah…I’m 72 now (how the h—- did this happen?). I spent several decades attending various churches, and I never felt lonely. We met together during services, studies, in the baby nursery. I even managed to keep a couple of those women friends through moves and not seeing each other in person for years on end. But then things changed. I changed. We no longer held the same beliefs or opinions about things like American evangelicalism or politics. After decades of friendship I sensed them backing off. I lost other friends after health issues sidelined me and I could no longer jump in my car or even walk without help (for a while). For the first time I felt loneliness. I’ve had to shift my perspective and make myself think that women I meet may feel lonely too…but due to introversion or just plain shyness, may not feel capable of reaching out to me. It’s hard. These aren’t my usual “people” and sometimes it would be so much easier for me to sit back and wait for someone to recognize what an awesome friend I would make (jk). I relate much easier to younger women and for a while resisted getting to know those closer to my age. I’m changing that but it’s purposeful and uncomfortable. I’m beginning to feel less lonely.
Definite relate, and also so much appreciation for your vulnerability and honesty. It’s so easy to pin loneliness on circumstances and helpful to be reminded that there are larger reasons.
Hi Sarah! First of all, what a very adorable photo of you two! Congratulations on becoming a Mom!
Yes, you are allowed to be lonely without really being alone and feeling like something is missing. You are very grateful for your spouse, son and family. You’re also brave to express and share what many of all ages feel too.
As a mom to three grown sons, I think back and can relate. Keep in mind you grew another human inside you, gave birth and became a Mom, best to give yourself time and grace. Babies need love and care most of all and so do new Mom’s. Remember right now, you are both not feeling well and that takes a lot out of you and changes perspectives. I always give the advice to sleep when your baby does, new parents need rest period.
It’s wonderful you have a supportive family on your team.
Here are some helpful things to consider. Playing music and moving around are mood boosters and so is being outside in good weather for walks together. Try out one of Leslie Sansone’s walking exercise videos on Youtube for encouraging and heart pumping exercise! You can choose from different lengths.
You can check out your public library online to see what programs they offer, like infant and parent story hours. While there I suggest checking out a bunch of children’s books to read aloud at home, maybe find some you loved as a kid and change the books out regularly. Good chance you’ll meet other parents there too. I find people in general are appreciative to have another person say hello and take an interest in them and to talk with.
You’re an engaging writer! Thinking you’ll have a fullness of responses to consider.
Totally. I’m so glad you wrote about this. The thing I tried to remember when I felt this in early motherhood was that I was new, too. I had this whole new identity—that I had lots of mixed feelings about— I was getting adjusted to and in some ways necessitated some amount of loneliness. I didn’t know “her” yet. What she needed. What she liked. What was fun for her right now. When I got to know her, so to speak, I felt less lonely and more sure about what kind of closeness I needed.
Your comments are always so thoughtful and appreciated, Kaitlyn. This really resonates. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think what's fun for this new me right now is lying in bed watching TV or trying a new restaurant at 5pm. Leaning into that and this stage of life vs wondering if everyone else is hanging out without me has felt really affirming.
Relate so much to this Sarah. I am 41, married with no kids, and really struggled to find adult friends in my mid thirties. I felt like I had outgrown high school friends, but also was losing common ground with my college friends who all were more traditional with settling into suburbs w/ kids and activities.
Anyways, while the details are different the feelings were the same. It was like I just could not find my people. I went on an embarrassing number of friend dates and went out of my way to put myself into new situations without much success. My husband even gently suggested I was perhaps being too picky? but I could not agree! I am someone who loves sincere deep personal friendship and I just couldnt settle for less.
Fast forward 6 years and I'm finally feeling more at home. It was slow and tedious. A lot of my new friends live out of state and I met through work and travel, but I FINALLY feel like I found people that get me as the adult I am today. It was worth all the work and hassle. I have found I am willing to maek much more effort when the connection is sincere. For me, I have found I need to be the friend that makes more of an effort, but its worth the reward of the connection - realize that may feel insane as a new mom! and absolutely it likely is!
Thinking of you during this transition. Trust in your worth. You will find your people
Thank you for sharing this, Sharon! Friend dates can feel so vulnerable and I share your desire for deep, personal friendships and being unwilling to settle. I wonder if I need to manage my expectations a bit more and remember that not every friendship has to be equally deep. There are different seasons for different relationships, and friends can fill different needs. I appreciate your wisdom on this topic!
Sarah…I’m 72 now (how the h—- did this happen?). I spent several decades attending various churches, and I never felt lonely. We met together during services, studies, in the baby nursery. I even managed to keep a couple of those women friends through moves and not seeing each other in person for years on end. But then things changed. I changed. We no longer held the same beliefs or opinions about things like American evangelicalism or politics. After decades of friendship I sensed them backing off. I lost other friends after health issues sidelined me and I could no longer jump in my car or even walk without help (for a while). For the first time I felt loneliness. I’ve had to shift my perspective and make myself think that women I meet may feel lonely too…but due to introversion or just plain shyness, may not feel capable of reaching out to me. It’s hard. These aren’t my usual “people” and sometimes it would be so much easier for me to sit back and wait for someone to recognize what an awesome friend I would make (jk). I relate much easier to younger women and for a while resisted getting to know those closer to my age. I’m changing that but it’s purposeful and uncomfortable. I’m beginning to feel less lonely.
I love this comment and keep returning to re-read it! Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Definite relate, and also so much appreciation for your vulnerability and honesty. It’s so easy to pin loneliness on circumstances and helpful to be reminded that there are larger reasons.
Hi Sarah! First of all, what a very adorable photo of you two! Congratulations on becoming a Mom!
Yes, you are allowed to be lonely without really being alone and feeling like something is missing. You are very grateful for your spouse, son and family. You’re also brave to express and share what many of all ages feel too.
As a mom to three grown sons, I think back and can relate. Keep in mind you grew another human inside you, gave birth and became a Mom, best to give yourself time and grace. Babies need love and care most of all and so do new Mom’s. Remember right now, you are both not feeling well and that takes a lot out of you and changes perspectives. I always give the advice to sleep when your baby does, new parents need rest period.
It’s wonderful you have a supportive family on your team.
Here are some helpful things to consider. Playing music and moving around are mood boosters and so is being outside in good weather for walks together. Try out one of Leslie Sansone’s walking exercise videos on Youtube for encouraging and heart pumping exercise! You can choose from different lengths.
You can check out your public library online to see what programs they offer, like infant and parent story hours. While there I suggest checking out a bunch of children’s books to read aloud at home, maybe find some you loved as a kid and change the books out regularly. Good chance you’ll meet other parents there too. I find people in general are appreciative to have another person say hello and take an interest in them and to talk with.
You’re an engaging writer! Thinking you’ll have a fullness of responses to consider.
These are such wonderful and helpful suggestions! Thank you very much, Emelle.
Totally. I’m so glad you wrote about this. The thing I tried to remember when I felt this in early motherhood was that I was new, too. I had this whole new identity—that I had lots of mixed feelings about— I was getting adjusted to and in some ways necessitated some amount of loneliness. I didn’t know “her” yet. What she needed. What she liked. What was fun for her right now. When I got to know her, so to speak, I felt less lonely and more sure about what kind of closeness I needed.
Your comments are always so thoughtful and appreciated, Kaitlyn. This really resonates. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think what's fun for this new me right now is lying in bed watching TV or trying a new restaurant at 5pm. Leaning into that and this stage of life vs wondering if everyone else is hanging out without me has felt really affirming.
This all very much tracks and feels familiar to me, too.